When most people hear the word trauma, they think of something catastrophic. Events or experiences like abuse, violence, war, a terrible accident, a devastating loss. Something so severe that no one would question the impact it had on the person who experienced it. As if the trauma were not enough, then we have to acknowledge the stigma that follows of the depression, anxiety, stress and stress disorders, and the humiliation. Most of us do not want the labels that come with trauma and the consequences that follow. It is much easier to decide that “my life has been so much easier than hers, I really shouldn’t complain.”
But what if trauma is not defined only by how terrible an experience appeared from the outside? What if it is also about what happened within us because of the experience, and the unresolved emotions that remained afterward?
Most of us grew up in a time where we were told that we have to be grateful for what we have and that we should look at all of the positives in our lives. While that is true, we sometimes ignore the pain that is very real. Many of us have lived in a world that teaches us to compare.
- Was what happened to me really that bad?
- Other people had it so much worse.
- I should be over this by now.
- Why does this still bother me?
And, we are taught that we always have to be strong. “Keep going!” “Stand up straight!” “Do not let anyone see the pain because it makes you look weak!” “It is not a big deal, suck it up!” “Pull yourself up by the bootstraps!” “Stop complaining, find the silver lining!” “Only the strong survive!”
But emotional pain does not disappear simply because someone else believes we should be able to handle it. Most people do not understand that what hurts one person may not affect another. But, how do we know what the other person is feeling or experiencing when no one ever asked? It is important to remember that the same experience does not affect every person in the same way.
Two people can experience something very similar and carry away completely different beliefs, emotions, and responses. We cannot accurately judge another person’s experience from the outside because we do not know everything that came before it. We do not know what that person already believed, what they needed at the time, what support they had, what they understood, or what the experience meant to them.
For a few minutes, take the time to reflect on your childhood experiences. It is possible that there were no events worthy of a “trauma” or “catastrophic” label to be applied, but does that mean that there was never an event that hurt deeply? Someone yelling, someone humiliating you or someone else?
What about the child who suffered unknown hurt when the parents divorced? Or maybe one of the parents died when the child was young? What happened inside the child who was repeatedly criticized about their grades, their body, their personality, or their abilities? What did the child come to believe when they constantly tried to earn approval but never seemed to receive it? What happened when they learned that keeping everyone else happy was the safest way to keep the peace?
The event itself may not look extraordinary from the outside, but the emotional experience can still be profound. Without reflection, most of us are completely unaware that we are operating from a place of survival and we could be free of that pain and the “dance” that we constantly have to do to stay safe, protected, loved, whatever the trade-off became. Sometimes the deepest wounds begin in pain that was never understood, acknowledged, validated, or resolved.
So, how does unresolved emotional pain begin? It is not as mysterious as one would think. It is also not as permanent as we have been taught to believe. In fact, we can begin to address the thoughts, feelings, and emotions that are associated with past events and begin to experience life from a place of freedom and peace.
Sometimes, the pain begins with an experience that overwhelmed us emotionally at a time when we did not have the understanding, support, or resources to fully process what was happening.
- It may have been rejection.
- Being criticized repeatedly.
- Feeling invisible.
- Having to grow up too quickly.
- Never knowing what version of someone you were going to get.
- Feeling responsible for keeping the peace.
- Losing someone you loved.
- Being humiliated.
- Not feeling safe enough to speak.
- Not feeling loved.
- Not feeling you belong.
- Not feeling enough.
- Feeling as though love or approval had to be earned.
Or simply experiencing something painful at a time when you did not yet know what to do with the feelings it created.
It is very important to understand that while the experience may have ended years ago, we need to feel validated, heard, and loved. When our feelings are invalidated, that brings about deeper hurt and pain. Most of us do not understand how to validate the hurt and pain of another because there are so many other expectations. When we are not feeling validated, heard, or loved, pain remains. In the pain we often create:
- A belief.
- An emotion.
- A fear.
- A protective response.
- A way of relating to yourself or other people.
We believe that these things are essential because if we are not being heard, seen, or loved, then we have to learn another way of life. Perhaps a part of you learned:
- I am not enough.
- I have to keep everyone happy.
- It is not safe to speak.
- People leave.
- I cannot trust anyone.
- I have to be strong.
- My needs do not matter.
As part of the survival instinct, it feels necessary to have some type of protection. And at the time, those beliefs or responses may have made sense. They may even have helped you adapt to what was happening. But years later, they may still be influencing your life long after the original circumstances have changed. Yet, we have created a core belief that those things are required and necessary. Now, it is difficult see any other way of life.
Because we have spent a lifetime in survival mode, we may not recognize that unresolved emotional pain does not always announce itself and say, “This is trauma.”
Sometimes it looks like anxiety or it may be even something like people pleasing. Some people shut down emotionally while others have a much more volatile reaction. Many times, people have extreme difficulty trusting others. Some people will feel like they are responsible for everyone around them. Some face serious control issues while others cling out of a fear of rejection or abandonment. Some people feel resentment while others may feel guilt and still others may feel shame. Many of those same individuals still have the persistent feeling that something inside them still does not feel free.
The intellectual understanding of why you behave a certain way does not always keep you from repeating the same response. You may know better and still react. You may have prayed, journaled, gone to therapy, done personal development work, or spent years trying to understand yourself; and yet, you still feel that something deeper has not shifted.
You may feel like you have done everything, including forgiveness, but still feel like there is “something more”, it is simply that there is pain that has not been seen, heard, or validated in order to be fully understood. Freedom begins not by judging the reaction, but by becoming curious about what lies beneath it.
Being able to recognize and acknowledge unresolved emotional pain does not require judgment. It actually requires only that you can see your wholeness beyond any of the judgments that have been self-inflicted or directed by others. There is no need for you to decide that you are broken, damaged, weak, or anything else. It is no real secret that all humans throughout all of time have experienced pain, so, we can agree that pain is part of the human experience, right? Most of us have hurt, experienced some type of loss, felt disappointment, felt rejected, have either misunderstood or have been misunderstood, and countless more. But those things do not define you because you are not the experiences that you have. Sometimes those experiences pass through you naturally and sometimes they leave something behind. Those experiences do not require any judgment. The only requirement is awareness. In awareness, we can begin to see. It is only in judgment and negativity that we are unable to see the truth. Maybe there was something that happened that hurt very deeply. It could be that there were opinions and beliefs that were formed because of that hurt and that pain. An experience and the meaning we form around that experience are not always the same thing. The thoughts, emotions, and beliefs connected to what happened can continue shaping how we experience it long afterward. It may be that there was some type of emotional or protective response that was needed or necessary to keep you safe at that point in time?
Many of our earliest beliefs about ourselves, relationships, safety, and belonging begin forming in childhood, often before we have the maturity to question them. Maybe we could look at things from a different perspective, acknowledging the feelings and emotions.
Instead of asking:
What is wrong with me?
You might begin asking:
What happened that made this response feel necessary?
What did I come to believe because of that experience?
What is this reaction trying to protect me from?
Is that belief still true today?
Sometimes the first step is simply becoming curious about what your emotions and reactions may be trying to tell you. It is an opportunity to choose again and to choose freedom and peace. Being a prisoner of pain or the past is only hurting you. Unresolved emotions can become unresolved trauma regardless of how we judge the severity of the circumstance because the pain that remains is what must be addressed. Be the Captain of your Soul and move into freedom!